A Quick Call. Three Teenagers. One Powerful Reminder

“As both a mother and a psychologist, I’m learning that connection doesn’t need big conversations — just presence.” And sometimes, a simple hello from the backseat of an auto is enough to show you that you’re doing something right.”

Yesterday my 14 yrs old called me to update about her auto rickshaw ride from school to home along with 2 of her friends. While being on the call one of her friends took her phone to say hi to me and then the other. It sounded they had fun while saying hello as I could hear laughter of all the three girls after they said “Hello”. No further conversations and the call were disconnected by my daughter saying bye and see you soon.

This happens quite often that my daughter calls me and then her phone is taken by her friends just to say hello to me. I always wonder what they get by doing this and I asked my daughter about this. She said that they find you as a very cool mother and they like talking to you. I asked her what makes me cool and she said that you don’t scold me without good reason to do so and you listen to all my “tea” (gossip). She thanked me for being cool and I thanked her to allow me to be cool around her.

Today when I sit and reflect what made me cool for my children, I find few things which I practiced with my children. Not scolding on every small thing is one thing, there are multiple other small practices which allowed me to be a part of their world.

1.     I don’t pretend to be listening when I am not. I have been practicing this since they were very young. I always made sure that when they shared anything with me, I listen to them genuinely. Whenever I was not in the position/situation of listening, I told them honestly and asked if I listen to their stories later because when I listen, I am all ears to them – I know their friends, I know their dynamics and I know things happening in school. This has helped our conversations longer, richer and engaging.

2.     When they gossip, I join them. I avoid telling them about wrong or right. My first response is to be a part of the gossip and acknowledge their feelings & thoughts. I even share some similar incidents from my adolescence & the ways I reacted – sometimes stupidly and sometimes maturely. Few times our conversations naturally move to what’s appropriate or inappropriate, good/bad or right/wrong - not only for them but for others also. We take our stand for our opinions and are usually open to our experiences and thoughts.

3.     It’s not that I am a very permissive parent. I become a nagging & annoying mother when it comes to studies and sometimes, I also lose my temper. I get angry, frustrated, irritated and every other emotion. Many times I lose patience and it sometimes continues for more than one day. However, over time I have learnt not to let those emotions spill into other areas of our day or our relationship.

4.     We play a lot and when we play, we only play. I never bring up any conversation revolving around their studies or their behavior nor do I play as a reward for any desired behavior. I always ensured that while playing any game with them, I play equally, as an equal contender for winning. Even when they were very young, I used to challenge them as a co-player and not as mother. This made our joys real and our defeats also real. Now they beat me in the similar way in almost every game, and we enjoy it with the same spirit. Play helped us create a space where we were just players leaving the role of parent & child.

5.     I watch TV shows of their interest with them and then we talk a lot about the story line, about the characters and about the void experienced once the show ends. I have watched their favorite cartoons with them, the OTT web series, movies of their choice and have played their video games with them. I watch all of them with such interest and curiosity that I do remember the names of their characters, their appearance, their dialogues, the accessories of their games, the guns, the prizes etc. for our discussions afterwards.

In short, we talk a lot and the interaction is with intention. I had and still have my share of struggles, but the struggles became manageable when I started accepting them as someone different from me, who have their own opinions and their unique way of expression. They became manageable when I began becoming a part of their world with them before trying to understand them.